My 100th post and one I wish I didn't feel the need to make

Today, 10 December, is my middle child’s birthday.  I haven’t seen him for several years.  It has been a difficult relationship for many years, but the last few years have left me not being able to see him at all.  It’s as if I’m dead to him.  He hasn’t seen or spoken to his father for the last thirteen years either, so I know he is capable of never being with me again.  It makes me so sad because I love him so much.  

One of my friends tragically lost her son, of a similar age to mine, this Autumn.  I had always felt we had something in common with our sons, and now her boy is dead.  Not seeing my son is, almost, as if he’s died.  He wants no contact with me and it’s very hard to bear.  There seems to be nothing I can do and it breaks my heart.  There are times when I cannot stop crying, days when all I want to do is hold him close and tell him I love him.  It is twenty-six years since I gave birth to him at five minutes past nine in the morning.  I would give anything to have him back in my life.